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Thursday, 21 August 2008

Sometime ago i talked about a song that was close to my heart, "Enjoy it!" by the rescuers. It's a brilliant song that sings of the silver lining in every cloud, it taught me how to turn the most terrible of things into an adventure. I used to brush off things completely just by listening to the chorus of the song and singing it in my heart and soul, but it doesn't work anymore somehow it has lost it's power over me.

I am shaken by fear, the very thought of certain things drive me into the depths of my soul where all my mistakes and sins lie. It is a terrible feeling to want something, only to have your mind to tell you that you can't have it, that it will cost you the pain and suffering eventually, all those years ago. And sometimes when i'm alone i can feel it, ripping and tearing through my new reality, i fear that i will make the same mistakes, it is my shame that prevents my freedom. I know i can be better if i just knew how to rid of it.

All those years i've buried all my problems with a song, but when it has lost it's magic, when the shame enters your heart and sorrow holds you heart hostage, only then did i realise what is truly bothering me. I am terrified ! Every second i think of ways to relieve or distract myself but nothing works, even when i'm most absorbed a corner of my soul is begging me to stop this sorrow, and find the courage to face my fears. But every time i want to my mind tells me NO i've suffered enough. Even now as i type my mind is begging me as i liberate part of my aching soul. I hope that this is the first step i can take, the first of those i HAVE to take on my quest to find my courage again.

So I beg of you to prove my mind wrong, tell me i can trust you, and then i hope at least my soul can be free if but just a little.


Posted @ 13:06

Monday, 18 August 2008

I was flipping through my econs notes when i came across the concept of marginal utility. Marginal utility is the additional satisfaction that a person gets for consuming another unit of the good. In non economical terms it basically means the enjoyment you get when you eat ice cream on a hot day. Catch is the more ice cream you eat a day the less and less enjoyable it becomes. And i don't know why but i just started thinking does Marginal utility exist in heaven ? Does scarcity exist in heaven ? What about opportunity cost ? I bet it exists ! It's impossible for it not to exist ! Does everyone in heaven receive equal treatment ? And if so does that make heaven a monarchy or communist ? And above all what is the meaning of life in heaven ?

Ok one question at a time. Assuming i go to heaven and i order katong laksa and i order another bowl. And assuming that heaven is perfect i would derive the same enjoyment as i would on my first bowl. But how is that possible ? Does heaven eradicate the food in your stomach the second you order another bowl ? Or does it trick your mind into believing it's still the first bowl ? I DON'T KNOW ! It's confusing ! At this point some of you may say "just eat something else la !" Good point ! But imagine if you haven't eaten for days and you sit down and eat chicken rice. It'll be super good right ? Why is it super good ? Because you haven't eaten in several days and you're in pain ! But since there is no pain in heaven, can you derive the same enjoyment compared to when you're suffering ? And if heaven allows you to suffer, doesn't that go against what heaven stands for in the first place ? Can there EVER be a happiness that can rival a happiness born from pain ? You may then argue that men have suffered enough on earth, which then bring us back to the point of marginal utility. WHAT THE HELL RIGHT ?

Next question. Does scarcity exist in heaven ? Well i think so. Scarcity is how limited resources are unable to satisfy unlimited wants. Sure material goods such as food will be unlimited, but what about the people ? Say you died and went to heaven and you've always wanted to talk to this famous celebrity who's also dead but went to hell. Problem is you're probably not the only one thinking that way and there's only one of him. So how is this problem solved ? You may say "well in heaven anything is possible !" So now everyone has that celebrity to talk to and there are probably 10s and 100s of his copies around talking to dead people in heaven. That solves the problem of scarcity. But is copying celebrities or anyone ethical ? Wouldn't that mean that cloning can be justified ? Another way to solve the problem is to take out "unlimited wants" from the equation. But as we all know humans can never have limited wants. So if we take away greed in our hearts we thereby lose part of our identity. Is it moral to do such a thing ? To take away a part of us ? Then you may say "well that would mean we're getting closer to god's image of us!". Sure that's true and all and i'm happy for you if you feel that way ! But what about those of us who don't want that ? Is it right to send us to hell because we want to choose our own path or desire to be different ? Can we be different in heaven ? You may then say "well you deserved it ! How can you be so ungrateful to the guy who made you and want to be different ? What gives you the right to decide ?" Well we can see that in action today. Some of our parents no doubt want us to be doctors or lawyers. But along the way we may come across another passion say... Drawing ! Now in the old days your folks may flip out and throw you out of the house ! But these days they accept it and allow you to choose. We turn out differently from who our parents want us to be. The parents that reject us are now criticised and those who let us live our lives as we want are worshipped. Question is "why should heaven be any different ? "

Next question. Opportunity cost. Opportunity cost is the results of forgoing benefits for an alternative not chosen. For example you have 2 dollars and you can buy ice cream or candy, and if you buy ice cream you can't enjoy the candy that is opp cost. So in heaven you want to have like alot of fun and you're going to have unlimited money and time. HOWEVER a moment now is a moment now. So assuming i want max enjoyment when i go up and there are a few things i wanna do. Okay say i always wanted to bungee jump and i also always wanted to swim with a shark. But at this moment i can only choose 1 thing to do because i can't be bungee jumping and swimming with a shark at the same time ! So if i choose to swim with a shark, i'd be forgoing a bungee jump experience until i finish swimming, thus incurring opp cost ! Now if heaven is perfect should there be opp cost ? But there is opp cost ! And is the existence of opp cost in heaven contradictory to being perfect ?

I'll skip my next question for now because i'll have to do some research. I might or might not get to it though :P

Anyway the next question, what's the meaning or life in heaven ? Do we just sit around and have fun all day ? Wouldn't you feel bored ? wouldn't marginal utility wear down our enjoyment eventually ? Would suffering then be the key to happiness ? I don't know i'm not done thinking yet.

Anyway no offense to you guys what ever i type here is merely a suggestion and a question so be cool ! CONSTRUCTIVE feedback is welcome though. :{D


Posted @ 23:27

Sunday, 5 August 2007
new blog

new blog : nicholaschen.(lj)<-abbriviation.com


Posted @ 02:03

Sunday, 29 July 2007
final post

this is my final post because my little sister has been poking around i may make a new blog but when I'm not lazy next week maybe ? or something....and i know you're reading this little girl and let me remind you of all the Little treasures you have stored in my room it would be a shame if anything happened to them ;D peace out


Posted @ 19:43

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